I love you babe. Can't wait to move in together and have dinner and wine and watch movies every night after we workout. Lol. And read the Bible every night. All over the house. But I also really really want to travel. And I want to go to restaurants more often and can we go to Kabuki on Sunday. My treat.

I should be sleeping. But then again. There's many things I should BE.

Sorry.

I didnt mean the last thing I said tonight, I guess I just wanted you to feel a little bit of the pain I was feeling. its only been a few months babe. compared to all of 2011 of you not really giving a damn. And starting the year with you saying you were 100% sure that you didnt love me anymore. Not wanting to be with me. And not sexually satisfied. when in reality it was you just wanting to chase after your fantasies. Its hard for me to believe you've truly changed in three months. I believe we humans only change when we hit rock bottom, and you have not experienced pain and loss the way I have. But you will. we all do eventually. Only then will you be able to see things clearly. The worst days are yet to come. the difference is that I promise I will be there. I have no one. you're the only friend I have. Today I was sad all day, I really needed to talk to someone. Anyone. but couldnt think of anyone who I could talk to. That only made me feel worse. But after a while. I only felt stronger. Because theres few like me nowadays. People who deal with shit on their own. Their pain and happiness. Plus I only feel the need to share these feelings with you. Ive hurt alot babe. You will never know how much. Only those who were there know, I think if u asked them theyd cry just describing it. Its like I was in a plane crash and had broken and fractured my whole body. And they were there to see how fucked up and deformed I ended. And how hard the recovery was. For them and I. I like to think i'm great. And feel like a super woman. But the fact is i'm still healing. I guess the only thing I ask for is dont hurt me again. I'm terrified by the thought of hurting that way again. And thats were all this b.s. comes from. Fear. If you do im afraid I might become a bitter old sarcastic cynic bitch. And thats someone I dont want to be. Im still kind of sweet and somewhat naive and innocent. I still believe people deserve second third and fourth chances. I believe in true love and that people can change. And I dont want to lose that. Dont make me lose that. Please. Show me that you love me each and every day. And I will do the same and more. If you care to stick around and help me heal.

I love you. Good night.

Honesty.

B.S.

Today is the BIG DAY! :) I hope there's no casualties. na I mean?! Lol.

Noms!!!

Chicken salad with tomato, watermelon and apple. Delish!

:D

He told me lots of sweet things today. I hope they're not just words. I think that for the first time we are both sort of on the same page. I love and Feel loved. I'm happy! I could never say that before. I'M HAPPY!!!

<3

I love him!

Fresh Start

Life has changed so much since 2010.

It all started when i broke up with my boyfriend of four years. My feelings for him were fading, forcing me to break up with him. I just didnt think it was fair for him to stick around while i was confused. Yet, we stayed friends even though we did everything a couple does minus the title and the respect. pretty stupid idea. i was hanging out every weekend mostly with him. getting drunk. "Having fun, living my life" Yet i felt the most depressed the lonely. suicidal thoughts often crept into my mind. losing my boyfriend my sanity my self respect. hitting rock bottom. after a few blackouts. throwing myself out of a moving vehicle. disrespecting my self and many other people. loved ones. being suicidal and finally being put on a 5150. though the process was painful as fuck! the worst pain i have ever ever felt. coming out of the hospital and realizing there was no one waiting for me. my friends were not there and my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me. i was depressed heartbroken. BROKEN. nothing to live for yet no choice. no choice but to wake up and cry my heart out everyday. and just deal with it. i couldn't eat couldn't sleep. there were days i didnt even get out of bed. tried to go back to work but could barely cope. i bought my Jeep in September 28th. a few days later i was back in bed. but i knew i couldn't let my mom take care of it for me. i had to get up go work to make my car payments. id be dealing with customers. and i would have to run to the restroom cause id burst out crying out of nowhere. i had no control over myself or my emotions. everyone around me didn't see what big of a deal it was. they seemed indifferent to my pain. a pain that made me wish and feel like i was dying. because of my new responsibilities i had to get back on feet. and i slowly did. the ones who helped the most was my beautiful mother. who had to cradle me at 3am. let me cry myself to sleep in her arms. and My good friend peter. id go to his house to hid my pain from my mother. hed let me just sit and cry at his house while he worked and talked to me. showed me music and videos. whatever he coul to take my mind off of Carlos. since he was the main reason why i was broken.

soon after my brother came to me and said Violet you have to get back on track. i need you to come back to work. and i have plans for us and i want to know if you're in or not. told me the whole plan of buying a house together but under my name. i agreed and since then Ive been working hard for this house.  getting about 300 dollars  WEEK and "investing" the rest into the house. at  first i didn't see it as an investment. it took me a while to see it that way. i was unhappy with my low paycheck. i kept wining and complaining BOUT how unfair my family was to those closest to me. and jpw unhappy i was at the job. that was until i saw it in a different way. i saw that money they were taking away as an investment. about 100 a week for 1 year and a half = 7,200 i invested into this house. plus 2,000 that i recently payed. so no one can say its a freebie or tat it was easy. i haven't done anything lavish in a while. rarely go to the movies or out to dinner at nice restaurants.haven't spent much on clothing or anything of that sort. i am proud of myself.

life is weird. hard o figure out. if not impossible. i was sure my love for my boyfriend was dead. and i dont think i have ever felt stronger for him. so many undiscovered feeling. the people who you trust the most will hurt you and the ones you trust the least are the only ones who truly love you.

i LOVE my family. i owe so much to my mother and my big bro. thanks to them i'm on my feet again. <3 now its time for me to start my journey on my own. the best way possible. childsplay is over. time to grow up. i am 100% sure of what i want now. and that is to be happy with HIM. until we can. even if it doesnt work out thatll be another chapter. but lets hope for the best. :D